*A sort of disclaimer: my first time/s having sex was far from regrettable, but for the sake of this piece I will be (solely) addressing the “bad” parts of it. There is a colorful complexity of emotions I felt leaving sex, safe intercourse I initiated with a trusted partner who received my ongoing consent. But! Part of this content image is skewed by a lack of communication resulting from insecurities no doubt products of patriarchal conditioning, of which I feel are universal enough to write a piece about, hello. There are also “bad sex” submissions included at the end. Feel free to share yours in the comments.*
I wanted to have the kind of sex I spent years reading and dreaming about, wanted to be able to whisper to him and try all those fantasized positions. But when your ass is spread in a bed with a man you met just a day before, insecurity and apprehension are damn near debilitating. When we had sex, it felt like he was using my body to masturbate.
Throughout, my eyes were fixated on the bedside clock counting the minutes I’d have to lay there like a plastic doll. Of course it was enjoyable at first, but there’s only so much repetition a girl can take! I didn’t want him to see how unimpressed my faced looked, so I buried his head in my neck. When that got old, I simply kept my eyes closed. I didn’t want to see his unfocused. He wasn’t seeing me, ya know? As though I didn’t matter. It felt like I could have been any brunette with a warm body and he wouldn’t notice one bit. Can you believe! He was inside me, somewhere I hadn’t let anyone else be, and it felt like he couldn’t care less. I was as vulnerable as I’d ever been, and he was just shoving his dick around. And I let him! He didn’t ask what felt good or what didn’t. And I didn’t tell him! I just laid there, trying to flex my abs and hold in farts. I wasn’t in a position, physically or mentally, to do much more than that. I don’t even think I wanted to, at the time. My satisfaction came from his pleasure, and in the moment that itself was genuinely enough. Plus–to be fair– he did try! I think he offered to go downtown, but my period was due any second. Literally. Like, I couldn’t tell what stained the bed. Was it my hymen? Some dead eggs? Should I have framed it?
As soon as he finished, sex was done. I gave him a high five and ran to the shower, trying to scrub off whatever feeling was sabotaging that post-coital glow. Used? Ugly? Definitely embarrassed. Not even with him as much as with myself. Why did I let him use my body like that? How could I not have said anything? Why didn’t I show his fingers where to go? Offer to trim his nails? Are these tears or ghost spit from my feminist ancestors?
I called some friends while he took his turn cleaning up, asking them where the fuck did I go wrong. They assured me how common this was, how they didn’t have an orgasm ’till their tenth try, how guys never actually wanna go down on you the first time (a courtesy you’re “supposed” to deny out of politeness, like a damn dinner check or something). They sounded so stupid and oblivious, but I was just as guilty. I hung up and cried. Still, though, after that little breakdown I didn’t think about that time in a bad light again. Even after we broke up I liked to remember what he felt like sliding into me and all. It was a good memory for a long while, cherished and clean.
And it wasn’t until I tried being sexual again that the negative feelings from that time resurfaced. It was difficult getting “back in the game” because I was so scared I’d feel used like that again, that I’d wake up feeling worthless, watching a guy see through me. Even the thought of kissing someone else gave me a trip. I didn’t want to reignite my insecurities, so I simply avoided from those situations entirely.
Eventually, though, I had to regain the lost confidence. Ironically the first guy to touch me again had the same fucking name as that ex. I was dead, y’all. The universe was really out here…. Thankfully, he had all the confidence and common sense my ex lacked. The shift in dynamic was amazing. He was focused on me–entirely! I swear he had ten hands. One in my hair, my neck, my mouth, my….anyway. It was a reminder that I wasn’t broken? Like, my body works! My desirability exists outside of someone else’s pleasure. My comfort zone does allow this kind of selfish satisfaction. I can turn someone on enough for them to want to turn me on. Does that make sense? Needs made and needs met. Mine prioritized, even. Without guilt and without obligation.
And through my sort of “re-awakening”, I found myself growing hypercritical of my friends’ partners. Hearing their experiences shrouded in the self doubt I myself had just shed was (is) an immensely frustrating experience. I’ve had a friend– painfully– try anal after her boyfriend bought her limited edition candy. I’ve had to sit straight faced through a conversation about how another’s boyfriend gagged at scent of her vagina, but expected a blowjob nonetheless (and received one). A pal of mine has been in a long term, exclusive relationship with a man who has yet to make her come close to coming, who insists on post-coital febreeze sessions and lube instead of foreplay. I have follower after follower tell me how their shyness and lack of self confidence makes their sex life so unfulfilling, but have yet to do anything about it!
It all comes down to self respect. Respecting your needs, your body, and your relationship. Sex isn’t about keeping score, and it certainly isn’t about owing anybody a damn thing. But when one person is constantly left bereft, it’s obvious mutual respect is lacking. Why is their pleasure more important than your own? Why does sex begin and end with their desire? Why does sex serve them?
Men’s orgasms are valued above women’s. Men’s desires are seen as needs, and women’s are afterthoughts often discarded or indulged in purely for the sake of easier access. Our satisfaction apparently takes too much time or effort. Women aren’t seen as the sexual beings we have every right to be, even though we have the same “animal instincts” and selfish desires these failing partners do. The stigma preventing us from owning and voicing the fact in the public sphere silences us in the private as well. It’s acceptable for men to boast and vent about their lays; an active sex life induces respect and envy. A double standard built from the subjugation of women, too often that acclaimed sex life exists at our expense.
And we let it! We lie so we don’t hurt their feelings, we fake it to protect their egos. We’re louder for them, we flex for them, we don’t say no. There is nothing wrong in wanting to please your person, and focusing on that is not the issue. It’s when they refuse to think your pleasure is just as necessary to address– not for the sake of a climax or painless penetration, but to make you happy the way you want to make them! Sex isn’t a tit for tat, but it shouldn’t be a one way street, either.
Tell them what feels good and tell them what doesn’t. Show them what you like. Don’t lie. Don’t coddle. Don’t rush. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. You owe him nothing. Prove people wrong in different ways. #DemandOrgasms2k17
Bad Sex Submissions
“I just got out of a serious relationship that lasted almost three years, and I never once had an orgasm. We became sexually active three months into our relationship, and it was always on his terms. I was always too shy to say no when he was in the mood even if I wasn’t, and the few times I did speak up he ended up persisting until I gave in. Sex always began and ended with his arousal. When he finished, we were done; I was an afterthought that rarely crossed his mind. I’ve always been ridiculously self conscious about my body, so I had a lot of trouble getting physically comfortable and relaxing enough to enjoy myself during sex. He knew about my insecurities but rarely made an effort to make me comfortable. He always rushed foreplay – it was like he couldn’t be bothered to think beyond himself when he was horny. I put the effort into learning what worked for him and made him feel great, but he never returned the favor. I should have brought it up more, but I was too afraid of hurting his feelings.”
“I was in a relationship for two years with a man who very certainly only wanted to please himself and when I would try to make our sex better for me he would get angry with me for moving to much for making any noise at all but I would hold out in hopes that next time would be different. And sometimes it was good but very rarely did I finish too. It made me feel broken and I would question if he really loved me or if I really loved him. He would go in when I wasn’t ready and end up giving me micro tears and sometimes I would bleed. He one time told me he wasn’t attracted to me right before having sex with me I had never felt so disgusting so used. Things were different after that I was angry with him I didn’t want to be with him, but I still loved him and I still wanted to please him even if he doesn’t care about pleasing me even remotely. But I feel so sex repulsed now and I feel like it’s getting in the way of me moving on. It’s shitty to equate sex to love but that’s how I’ve been conditioned”
“[This] was with my first boyfriend. I lost my virginity to him so I was comfortable with him, but I also didn’t know what sex was really about in regards to my comfort and needs since I was young (17). One time, we decided to try doggy style but I realized that I wasn’t wet enough for it to really work Or be comfortable/enjoyable for me. Needless to say, I was too scared and embarrassed to tell him that the sex was hurting me and that I wasn’t wet anymore and wanted to stop. This actually ended up physically tearing my vagina and causing me to bleed on him. He thought I gotten my period, but when I told him I wasnt on my period he just shrugged. Looking back on it now, I’m surprised he didn’t think anything of it. And I’m also really sad with myself that I couldn’t bring up the courage to tell someone they were physically hurting me because I was too concerned with if he was enjoying it and letting him finish. So ladies please don’t ever be afraid to speak up about what feels good/what doesn’t and if something just isn’t working cause you can really hurt yourself!!!!”
“When I first started having sex I was so afraid of not making my new boyfriend happy that I wasn’t putting myself first AT all, like I would have sex no matter how bad the pain! And I wanted to please him so bad it really just messed me up for days after! And the main problem was that I was dry. And I wouldn’t speak up at all because I didn’t want to crush his ego or think I didn’t want to have sex. At first when I told him he needs to be better, it really [did] hurt his ego but sometimes it’s really hard to make a girl finish, I just let him know it takes practice and it does! I’ve been having sex for almost 3 years and I’m still getting the hang of it, so I just wanted to let everyone know it’s important to know your own body and speak up so your partner can learn your body! I find literally talking and walking them through what feels good and what doesn’t during sex helps a lot. But don’t forget that you deserve to have pleasure just as much as he does.”
“One time i smoked w/ a dude and i was high out of my mind but all i can remember is that he tried to finger me and he didnt cut his nails and he was only going in and out of me and scratched the inside of my vag and also gave me a uti🙃”
“I dated the same guy for two years and we had sex a lot, but not once over the entire course of our relationship did I have an orgasm with him. He would finish nearly every single time, but the only time it actually happened for me was when I masturbated by myself. I was [too] nervous to tell him what I wanted, felt pressure to climax after having not for so long, and just couldn’t find myself able to let go. It turned into me having negative feelings toward myself, like it was all my fault.”
“He didn’t listen to me when I wanted him to use a condom. We used one the first time but it broke, and then I got bacterial vaginosis that I had to spend a week treating. I saw him again and we were going to have sex, and I asked him to put on a condom because I didn’t want to get BV again. Somehow he convinced me that we didn’t need one, and we had unprotected sex. He should have listened to me the first time I asked him to put on a condom. I got BV again the next day, which is incredibly itchy and uncomfortable.”
“When I was 17 my boyfriend (at the time) and I were on a date and I wanted to have sex after so I straight up told him I did and he was all giddy about it. When we went back to his house he didn’t finger me, lick me, NO FOREPLAY AT ALL, goes to just stick his dick inside me for what felt like 30 minutes but was probably five miserable minutes, couldn’t find the hole, and was struggling. I asked to help him, he had a giant melt down, started freaking out and left the room. I sat by myself in his bed for probably 15 minutes until he came back in to apologize.”
“I was 18 and new to the sex world. We were both quite tipsy. And what happens to a girl who’s dehydrated? Her vagina doesn’t lubricate well. So it hurt. Like a lot. So he started going at it, quite hard actually. Nothing was pleasant about it. I just wanted him to come but because he drank it was difficult, it took a while. At one point I asked if I was bleeding (it hurt that much), he puts his fingers down there, comes up with blood on his fingers and says yes. And. He. Continues. Fucking. Me. So finally I finish him off by blowing him. After he’s done, we’re done. I had to put a panty liner because I was bleeding through my underwear. I bled for a few days after that. A few months after I went to the gynecologist (for an unrelated reason). While she was checking if everything was okay, she pointed out that the little skin at the bottom of my vagina’s orifice was ripped. R. I. P. P. E. D. The fucker literally ripped my vagina and had the nerve to brag about having sex with me.”
“I was with this guy for a little over a year and I did not have an orgasm at all, any time we had sex. Like not even close. He would just do his thing with little to no foreplay and when he was done that was the end of it. He basically just used my body to masturbate with. When I finally worked up the courage to tell him I wasn’t really enjoying myself, he got extremely mad at me. You’d think he would want to learn how to help me, but I digress. I ultimately decided to end the relationship because the horrible sex on top of everything else just wasn’t going to work. It wasn’t until I met my (now) husband that I had an orgasm during sex. I think getting older and more confident in myself as a sexual being has allowed me to communicate my needs a lot better. It also helps to have a partner who is truly concerned about your pleasure just as much as they are concerned about their own.”
“I’ve only ever had sex with one person. It was bad. Like, it was all consensual, I thought it was fun if not kind of boring at times, but he never made me come ONCE. Like he tried and bless his heart he loved going down on me but he was just Bad at it so it felt nice but after a while I would get bored and just tell him to stop. I would give him head or we’d have sex, he would come, and it would be over. He often expressed feelings of failure at not being able to make me come but it just felt like effort, like I would have to take a huge amount of time to teach him how to please me, that it was just kind of like, ehhhhhhh. Also, it felt like his need to have an orgasm kind of trumped mine (blue balls etc) and his was a Physical Need, whereas if I wanted to come and then I didn’t, it “didn’t matter that much.” I kind of stopped expecting anything because I knew it wasn’t gonna happen why bother, would just let him come so we’d be done with sex. Sex was fun and rather enjoyable but the feeling like my pleasure mattered less than his was SHITTY!!!”
“One time I called this dude over for a booty call and we were fuckin or w/e and he was… okay, I guess nothing special but then he went soft…. while we were still fuckin. So I make do and I suck dick till it gets hard again and we get going again and this mother fucker…. went soft… again. So like obviously something isn’t working and this guy tries to blame it on me. Like i was doing something wrong. And then he asked to sleepover. I told him to put his pants on and get out.”
“I was going through a rough breakup and the worst advice i got was “the best way to get over someone is to get under someone.” There was this guy who was That Guy you go to to hook up with and he and I were texting about doing so. He was very pushy and persistent, and i was vulnerable and heartbroken. I wasn’t actually comfortable with hooking up with him, but he wouldn’t take “no” as an actual “no,” but as a “not now, later though.” I eventually agreed to meeting up with him a couple days later because he wouldn’t stop asking and I was desperate to get rid of the heartbroken feeling I had. I also kept getting told that it would make me feel better. I gave oral for the first time and had no idea what I was doing and he kept pushing my head down. I almost gagged and eventually I stopped sucking it. He [then] basically shoved it in and it hurt like hell. The entire time I was waiting for it to be over, not to mention I was still thinking of my ex. I was too afraid to tell him I wasn’t into it and I wanted to leave. There was blood on the condom.”
“One time an ex fuck buddy turned my face away because i was looking at him in the eyes during sex. meaning for the rest of the time, he had his hand pressing my face away.”
“I dated a boy when I was 14. He bet me I wouldn’t have sex with him, and I wanted to prove him wrong. I wanted to make sure he wouldn’t leave me (I was young and had abandonment issues). So the next day, I lost my virginity. He broke up with me not long after.”
“I am overweight, and have been my whole life. One day, while cuddling on the couch he asks if he can touch my stomach. So naturally I freak and say what the fuck no. Come to find out in the later months, he had a fat fetish. He liked to feed me before sex, and he never last long because he was so turned on. After a while, we broke up. I liked feeling beautiful because he loved my fat. But, he didn’t like anything else about me. It is extremely invalidating to have someone only like you for your body, and that is something that I didn’t know chubby girls could feel. Anyways after the break up we continued to hook up, and I always insisted we have food. Not because I was into it, but because I didn’t have much money and was starving. A ton of free food for two pumps? Thats a great deal.”
“When i was 17 I started dating this guy. We were together just over 4 years. I was a very depressed and insecure teen and darent challenge any of his behaviours because I had this attitude that I ought to be grateful of his attention – a view that sadly many plus size girls have. I’d had sexual experiences before him which had been a lot of fun but sex with him was different. He refused to wear a condom. He believed that contraception was solely a womans responsibility and refused to be tested together (or at all) for STIs. Every sexual encounter followed a pattern: he would have an erection so he would grab my hand and put it on his penis. I would then be expected to give him a blowjob (and if I didn’t he would become angry) but he had terrible hygiene and often hadn’t washed prior. Then after a few minutes of that he would climb on top, thrust hard for a while (usually causing pain) until he orgasmed. That was that. Sex wasn’t enjoyable. Ever. I tried to discuss it with him sensitively, suggesting ways we could ‘spice it up’ or make it more enjoyable but he would usually shut down or become angry stating that he hated performing oral on girls or that he didnt see the point in foreplay or that it wasn’t his issue if I didn’t orgasm. Now, aged 23, I am in a happy and healthy relationship with a man that satisfies me sexually beyond anything I knew possible. We communicate, we discuss, we care about one anothers feelings and needs and we share the view that sex is a wonderful shared experience but should be just that – shared. Not a dictator, not a power thing, not a tool for manipulation. Girls, you are a gift. You are a blessing. A goddess. You deserve to be pleasured just as much as any man and have every right to communicate your needs and desires. Part of mutual respect in a relationship is respecting those needs too. You are a human, not a plaything. Next time a man treats you as such, recommend a fleshlight and move on.”
“Had a three way with two friends once (two girls one guy) and the guy said he’d get us off only after we got him off.”
“About 4 years ago I was having sex with my boyfriend at the time. It was usual, I wasn’t overly enjoying myself but I wasn’t bored or anything. I moan loudly though, and for whatever reason he thought when ever I moaned I was having an orgasm I guess, but he never said anything before then. I don’t know why but this time when we were finished he asked me if it was good and I told him yes. He said to me “I made you cum 30 times, I counted.” And I was like what are you talking about. That’s when he told me he thought every time I moaned I was having and orgasm. I don’t think I even orgasmed that night, oops.”
“This was my first time having Sex ever. I was like 15 and had been dating this guy for over a year (he was my first boyfriend ever) and it started with blowjobs. Every time I went to his house we’d always go to his basement and he’d tell me I owed him and all this other shit to pressure me into giving him head. That went on for months and then one day we went to his room and he tried to get me to have sex with him. I broke down crying and told him I was scared and I wasn’t ready and he just kinda sat there like he was mad and I had my mom come pick me up. A little bit after that we did the deed. I wasn’t wet in any way shape or form so he couldn’t get it in and told me to get on top. I managed to get it in there and it was so painful. He told me the faces I was making were ugly and to stop. We probably lasted for like 15 minutes and then it was over. I’m honestly not even sure if he came. He asked me if I did and of course my dumb ass said yes. We just kinda say on his bed and I was like “So…should we take a shower or something?” He said no, took his condom off, and got dressed.”
“I hooked up with this guy my freshman year of college, he seemed really sweet and like he was going to have my best interest in mind. i was wrong. he completely disregarded every single thing i said and asked for, wearing a condom, having sex on the floor so it wasn’t loud, when i wanted a break, and when i finally got him to go down on me he took not even 30 seconds (not exaggerating) before trying to go back inside me. He even pressured me SO hard to do anal even though i said no so many times. he woke me up the next morning wanting to have sex again, and i told him to get out.”